Just to clear up a small point, I am not gay, and I have an amazing relationship with my wife. I have been an extremely fortunate person in that I knew another man along the same lines that David knew Jonathan. I also understand the intense pain David endured when Jonathan died. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accurately describe the love we shared.
In regards to the title of this post, I will be throwing myself upon the mercy of mother nature tomorrow. Because of my current mental and spiritual predicament I am burying myself in the wilderness of Canadice on a friends secluded property and not coming out until something changes or the bears have devoured my skinny carcass. I will have my trusty tent, sleeping bag, a notebook, sketchbook, Bible and matches. I will eat rabbits and squirrells to sustain myself as well as slugs and other such slow and witless fodder that stumbles across my path. Actually thats a lie. I am going to cover myself in bear urine in the hopes that I can attract the biggest crankiest bear in NY, and then I will tear him to shreds with my pocket knife, in so doing I will secure the fact that I am a man's man and i will never feel like a failure again... or maybe not.
In actuality i will probably wander aimlessly through woods with my compass and sit by a small fire thinking thoughts that scare and cripple me, and asking questions that may have no answers in hope that one will be answered.
My hope is that God will find me here...
My wife is amazing, she encourages me to do this kind of stuff even when it's a long weekend. She shows how selfless she is again and again. I could never have hoped for such a perfect soulmate. She's feisty too... you should hear our arguments!!!! If you can't argue in your marriage then somethin' ain't right!
1 comment:
Well, for a man not quite willing to let go of old habits of vagueness, you sure did an amazing job right out of the gate.
I hope that the wilderness retreat cleansed some things for you. I once spent a week in Death Valley alone with a dog and it was the most peaceful I'd felt in my entire life. There are times when I'm convinced that being a hermit would've suited me quite well.
Loss, especially to the degree that your family has experienced it, is like a bomb. Now is the time to rebuild, but I think that you know that.
I haven't had the same troubles as your wife, but I did have three miscarriages before I got pregnant with Mazzy and, now, my husband and I are having to explore fertility options because conceiving isn't happening. We are going to put the effort in, for a while longer, but I am accepting of a reality that doesn't involve any children of our own.
You had a line, about "Why have a minivan with only two kids?" and it resonated with me. I have a similar thought when I walk through our 4 bedroom house. Why have a house this size with no children? But, we are stubborn and this is our home. We'll make it feel love.
Whatever you need to find to get you to the next step, I hope you find it quickly.
Your faith is still within you, I'm assuming, and you will find your way back. I'm not on the same path, but I believe that faith is essential to each individuals ability to heal from tragedy. Feeling as though there is no hope is like feeding a person poison, it's just a matter of time before they stop working properly.
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