Saying goodbye to yesterday

It was difficult not to cry.

The house bore signs of our life: screws that once held frames on almost every wall, slight discolorations at the perfect height of children hands on corners, traffic patterns worn in the carpet from folks too lazy to remove their shoes (me), small holes in screens where toys learned how to fly, wood floors scratched in a frenzy of fun, murals lovingly painted on bedroom walls... every where there were memories.

I was about to close the door for the last time. The key was on the island, the floors were swept and vacuumed, the counters washed. All I needed to do was turn around and walk out. But I couldn't, something held me there, memories flooding through my mind at a hundred miles an hour. The Christmases with our fresh cut trees (the mark on the ceiling because one was too tall:)), The rumpus wrestling matches with two small children being thrown onto every soft surface in the house, the jelly bean trails winding down stairs on Easter mornings, the gas fireplace where many a romantic night unfolded, the Thanksgiving turkeys being pulled from the stove, the aroma drawing all hungry bellies to the Kitchen. This was the home where my daughter learned to walk, where both my children learned to ride bikes, where trees were climbed and where the backyard play set was daily called upon to fulfill its duty. So many rich memories, the kind that are burned into your heart and not just your mind, the kind that are unanimously shared by every individual in the family, the kind that you lovingly recall until the end of your days.

It was not just a house I was about to shut the door on, it was a home. I was about to close a significant chapter in my life and I hesitated. The intensity of what I was leaving behind struck me with the weight of a thousand moments in time. "I must be crazy", I thought. Who, in their right mind, would let go of the perfect life, spend every dime they had to go to a non-credentialed ministry school, rip their family from most of what they hold near and dear, quit their well paying job with great benefits and a promising future, sell off tons of memories in a moving sale, and move into their parents basement for the summer... I'm sure I'm missing some of the, "You must be crazy" details, fill them in if you like. And why am I doing all of this? Why am I uprooting us so violently and quickly? I like catastrophic change of course... simple really.

The only other thing I have done that was this crazy and  ill conspired was marrying Jessica. I barely knew her when I took her hand in marriage. From the day we first met (Nov. 4th) it was about three months to when we decided to get engaged, and six months from then we were married. THREE MONTHS FOLKS! But hey, that has worked out really well! So this next crazy step will too... right?

The answer to the end of the paragraph before the previous one has everything to do with the God factor. But it's hard to separate the Justin factor from it. "Why am I doing this?". It is partly selfish, partly spiritual. Here goes the in depth description that many of you are waiting for with baited breath (said sarcastically).

I have chosen to be discontent for the last ten years. Even though God has given me everything a man can ask for: a wife who loves me despite my many flaws, children that cause my heart to sing, many dear friends and family, a great job and at one point a great house. I have been caught up in believing that at any moment God would open a magical door and I would be transported away to a  life of unprecedented meaning and fulfilling full time ministry. I wasted ten years being anxious for the future. I was never content with where I was at because I constantly believed God had a better purpose for me. WHAT A BLIND AND STUPID MAN I HAVE BEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If there is one massive regret in my life this is it. That it has taken me ten years to realize what I had all along. Why wasn't I content in waiting for what God had told me He would give me? Why couldn't I simply have faith that this was all part of it. Abraham impresses me more than ever now that I have barely tasted what he endured. Oh to have simple faith.

Does every young man waste his life like this, or am I an anomaly. Don't get me wrong, I loved my family, friends and home deeply, but there has always been a self initiated undercurrent of discontentment. Feeling that there is something more and I am somehow missing it... all along it has been there.

I just saw Toy Story 3 yesterday night and it was profound. When Andy and his mother were standing in his empty room, she was immediately overwhelmed with the realization that it was over. 17 years of life come and gone, and now her baby boy was leaving. That room would no longer be filled with the footsteps and noises of her beloved son. There wouldn't be toys to put away or laundry to clean up. No brother and sister squabbles spilling through the house. No rudimentary paintings or drawings with precious signatures to tape to the walls. I cried.

I don't want to waste another ten years anxiously waiting for something better. I want to make the most of here and now. It's really all I have, all that is important. We really don't know what the next day holds.

I have been horribly selfish in that I dragged my family through emotional highs and lows with every opportunity to minister that came along my path. One day it was a children pastor job offer at this church, the next it was the same offer at another church, the next it was a small business all my own, the next was West Papua, New Guinea (look that place up... you'll probably think I was mad just for considering it)... the list goes on. I wanted it so bad that I entertained every possibility and with each, the idea of moving and uprooting our lives. My poor wife could never feel comfortably rooted because her husband always kept her in a place of wonder (and probably bewilderment). That is no way to live your life... please learn from my mistake. I continually tried to orchestrate my future. If only I had realized I am not the conductor. I just need to learn to listen and watch. Hopefully this time around I will be less selfish. Although, dragging your family to California to live on the cheap while you attend school sounds a touch selfish, it is also quite spiritual... but I've run out of steam and don't feel like explaining.

I believe I am headed in the direction God has for me, and that I have learned an extraordinary lesson as of late.

Good bye beautiful Lima:(

 Here's to the next chapter. Here's to the new adventure.

I like travelling:)

So it is confirmed. By a stroke of genius we are going to California in late August. On Monday, during my interview, the school told me they wouldn't have an answer for 4 - 6 weeks, there was an excess of applicants and I may have to go onto a waiting list in hopes some accepted students would decide not to go. The anticipation left a knot the size of the Titanic, with the heaviness to boot. I dreaded having to wait. What am I going to do with all my junk!!!! We are moving out of our house in less than 3 weeks!!! If we are going to Cali we will sell almost everything, if we are staying local we keep it. Here's where the story takes a God spin.

On Wednesday (2 days after my interview) one of our sub-contractors, who I have known for about 7 years (he's a good friend), showed up for some work. I mentioned the school and how I had to wait for my answer. He proceeds to tell me he worked at the church/school for about 3 years (shocker for me). He then proceeds to ask me if I REALLY want to go, and if I do I can start packing my bags. I heartily reply, YES! He assures me some phone calls will ensue. 4 hours later I receive notification I am accepted! 4 weeks to 4 hours. I like it when things change that dramatically. The timing couldn't be better, we are holding a moving sale as I write.

I am at my comfortable desk while my poor wife is selling off all our furnishings and wares. No, she is not some beaten submissive housewife who hangs on my every word. We have been up past midnight for the past three nights preparing for this chaos. But, I have a paying job that requires me to show up, everyday, on time, with a smile... and a headache;) Plus, I stopped drinking coffee again because I was crashing to hard. So, the adventure begins!

Since Cali will be our new temporary home, we have determined to bring only what will fit into our minivan. That'll be interesting. I've insisted we get rid of our crotchity cat... Jessica refuses. Bella hates cars and we are going to stick her in one for 6-7 days... won't that be pleasant. Everything else is on the auction block. I guess life isn't really about "things" anyway... but they sure make it a little sweeter. Goodbye things.

Emotionally speaking, I am on a high and I dare not conclude it will last... but it sure has felt good for the past day and a half. It feels good not waking up anxious, not feeling aimless, not feeling useless. I want it to last forever!!!!

Let's see what happens next...

Sleep = Zero

Sleep has been evading me lately and I'm not sure how to find it. It's tough to turn your brain off even though you've been awake longer than is healthy, but alas, I can not find that glorious switch.

I had my interview with the school yesterday. It looks like I won't have an answer for possibly six weeks... hmmm. Let's see, that means when we are moved out of our house in 3 weeks I will have sold everything we own, assuming I am accepted, and be living in my parents basement, wondering. That sounds foolish, where's my "Tweedle Dum" hat?

I would love to say that I am 100% positive that this is the right direction to go and that I "heard" from God, but I can't. Realistically, I am trudging forward with heavy boots through dark and unknown caverns, bending my ear and will to pick up any faint noise I can that would give me a hint and hope I am travelling towards the right end. There is a chance I may be part masochist. Unfortunate for my family.

The moving sale is this Friday and Saturday. My life for pennies on the dollar. There's Ethan Allen, Stickley, Bassett, and a slew of randomness that has taken 10 years to compile. Most of it we (as in my beautiful wife and I) care less about, but there are one or two items that pull at the heart strings. It's strange that a person can have a sentimentel attachment to an inanimate object, yet I do... mostly my house... which is 22 days and counting... geeez, it hurts to even type it.

But it is not all that bad. I don't know if my family can find the depth of healing we need here in cozy Lima, and that is one consolation for my battered mind. I truely believe California will draw us together in ways I can only picture in my mind... like the smiling retro family perfectly placed around the gleaming red picnic table without a care in the world. That may be a touch euphoric, but you get the idea. Plus, there's the amazing drive across this gorgeous country! It is one my wife and kids have never made. The raw beauty and geographical diversity inevitably bolsters my faith in God. It helps me to realize that there is no way possible that this is all an accident... there is a divine Creator, which then drives me to ask, "why am I here?", a great question. And, Finally, I am hoping it will break me out of the doldrums in which I reside. An awakening I guess.

To the road less travelled I raise my cup! What mysteries and wonder await!
Right?

Flying Monkeys!!!!

"Flying Monkeys!!!". It's a term I use when I'm exacerbated. It's in direct relation to those nasty little monkeys on "The Wizard of Oz", I've always hated them. They bring chaos and destruction, plus they're ugly as death. I'm quite sure they've found their way into my life, having summoned some bi-dimensional portal for the singular purpose of ruining my life. Regardless, "Flying Monkeys!".

It is now time to pull out my flying monkey ray gun, take aim, and vaporize their evil little backsides, leaving nothing but the smell of burnt fecal matter and little wisps of charred monkey hair drifting away into the sunset. The thing is... I just need to find where I last put that stinking flying monkey ray gun, then the carnage can begin.

Until then I guess I'm just going to have to sit here and try to make sense of everything through the din of cackles and caws, not to mention the awful smell evil monkeys make!

The reality being that I have chosen to side with the monkeys and rain down torment on my precious family, because the truth is, I am a flying monkey... drat! I hate when the story takes those unexpected evil turns!

Since the process of moving to Buffalo took some bad turns, and since we have inadvertently sold our dream house, I have decided (after a weekend of solitude in the woods of NY) to bring more chaos into the picture and move my family to California. It's crazy to say the least, but it is also an opportunity.

I have applied to a school of ministry in Redding. If I am not accepted there it is sure to be a low of which I have yet experienced. Not to mention, I will feel dejected in ways I never have. But, if I am accepted it marks a turning point in our lives. It will be an adventure with all the twists and turns that come with such. My simple prayer is that God will continue to lead me, even in the midst of the darkness of this valley. Let Your Rod and Staff comfort me...

For now I just need to find my ray gun so I can deal with those infernal flying monkeys.